Shaken Package
by Ava Miranda Dakedavra
Summary: Tony hummed, "Not a great plan. When they come, and they will, they'll come for you." "I have an army." Tony set down his glass and looked at him, "We've got Hermione." HG/BB


**Several people suggested a tangent one-shot of Hermione and Tony bouncing witty remarks off of one another.**

**Challenge accepted.**

**ATTENTION: This does not tie in or give anything away for _You're Braver Than You Believe!_ This is a totally different "hey-what-if-this-happened" thing to amuse me and my readers! (But mostly me…)**

* * *

Bruce looked up from his computer as Stark and Hermione glared at each other. He winced a little, glancing between the two. One was especially intimidating, back straight, legs spread, arms crossed, and a rather stern look on their face. The other was staring at the first with a look that said "that's cute, but no dice."

"Look, Granger, I'm just saying that you're kind of out of your league here," Stark said, giving her that same look still, "Think about it. Star-Spangle is _the_ super soldier, literally. Thor is an actual god, technically speaking. Romanoff is a master assassin, I've got technological know-how _and_ a kickass robotic suit, and Banner over there can hold his own with a set of wires and turns into a scary green rage monster. You're kind of the weak spot here."

"Stark, you know absolutely nothing about me, so just _lay off_," she demanded, arms still crossed and glare intensifying.

"Oh, I know everything," Tony said smugly, "You taught at some university over in England in medieval studies. Not even current, up-to-date, no weapons that are in use, nothing that could possibly be useful here."

"Oh, like everybody has the money or time to create a robotic suit?" she snorted.

"No, but very few people even have the intelligence."

"Are you calling me _dim_?"

"Like a match on the moon," he smiled and shrugged as Steve walked in, stopping in his tracks and looking wide-eyed between them. He went around them and stood by Bruce, who was sitting in his chair and leaning on the desk now that the program was running by itself. Steve pulled up a chair and sat down next to him, not even taking his eyes off of the two.

"Listen here, Stark, I have been through and seen more things than you could even possibly imagine," Hermione practically growled, "I know far more than you could even dream about."

Steve glanced at Bruce, who glanced back at him, both of their eyebrows high on their foreheads.

"Right, yeah, what was that? I can't hear you – we're on the moon, there's no oxygen, you aren't sparking up!" Stark teased.

Hermione gritted her teeth, her hand reaching into her back pocket for a moment before she thought again, "You – you conceited, egotistical bigheaded _twit!_"

"What'd you do, swallow a thesaurus, Mary Poppins?" he asked.

"You shallow, single-minded – do you ever think for anybody other than yourself?" she asked.

"I think about you getting off this team before you get hurt," he said.

Hermione looked as if she was about to literally give out a feral growl before Maria walked in with Natasha by her side.

"Professor Granger," Natasha interrupted as Maria glanced dully between them and the two at the table, "Loki wants to talk to you."

Hermione nodded before shooting a glare at Tony, "I am not about to let you or anything or anyone else intimidate, threaten, or degrade me. Got that?"

"Crystal clear, Queen Elizabeth," he saluted. She gave him another, harsher glare before following Natasha out.

Maria stayed, "You really shouldn't do that to her anymore."

"Why?" he snorted, "If she's a big girl, she can handle it."

"Stark, listen to her," Bruce said with a frown, "You don't know anything about her."

"She's some meek person who is trying to live up to something that is totally impossible for her," he shrugged, "I can see it."

Bruce opened his mouth to argue, but Maria shook her head.

"Come on," Maria advised, "Let's go see what Loki wants of her."

* * *

"_What do you want?_" Hermione asked once she stepped into the room where Loki was contained, walking closer to the case as Natasha shut the door and hurried back to where everyone else was listening. Steve, Thor, Bruce, Tony, Maria and Fury were all listening, although Tony was tapping away on his phone.

"_Ahh,_" Loki stood from his bench, arms spreading, "_The great sorceress. It's a pleasure to meet you. I've heard many great things."_

Tony nearly dropped his phone in surprise, "Did he just say - ?"

"Shh," everyone else shushed.

"_That's nice," _Hermione said dully, "_Now what do you want?_"

"_I was hoping I could bargain with you," _he said, stepping up to the glass, "_I understand that I have the power to destroy something you and another member of your precious little team hold near and dear to your hearts?_"

Hermione fidgeted, but glared, "_What?_"

"_Release me, and I shall leave it be. If both of you leave from the opposing force, I will allow you to live."_

_"Why did you ask for me?"_ she questioned, hands on her hips, "_You could've very well asked for him._"

Steve, Thor and Tony seemed to glance at each other, although Bruce kept his focus on her and Loki.

"_And why would you even consider allowing us to live? I was under the impression that we were all ants?"_

_"You are, but you're an ant I hold in very high respect. As I've said, I've heard many great things. Battling past a three-headed dog at eleven, facing a dangerous creature at twelve, time traveling and fighting for you and your companions' lives against a murderer at thirteen, submerged underwater for an hour's time at fourteen, battling against grown men and women at fifteen, knowing unimaginable fear when your mentor fell at sixteen, and finally – possibly one of your greatest battles yet – at seventeen, escaping pain and torture and battling against so many people who wished to see you dead._"

As Loki rattled these off, the members' eyes widened, aside from Bruce, Fury, Maria and Natasha, who only seemed to be frowning at him.

"_Like I said,"_ Loki restated, "_I hold you in the highest respect. You would be a fool to decline my offer._"

Hermione took a few moments to shakily ask, "_I want to know if she's alright right now. As you can understand, I don't trust anyone who threatens to take my daughter away from me._"

"She has a - ?" Steve asked in horror as Tony hid his eyes, guilt crashing down over him.

"_She is fine, and will continue to be so unless you decline my offer and oppose against me._"

Hermione's hand punched the glass, a small crack startling Tony, Fury, Maria and Natasha, but Bruce seemed to be gripping the table and hadn't noticed, "_If you touch my daughter, I swear to Merlin, I will kill you! One hair on her head out of place, Reindeer Games, and you will hit the dirt faster than you can sneeze!"_

Loki seemed undisturbed, "_I would think that being the child of such temperamental beings would cause her to be so. She's rather amusing – if you're lucky, I'll allow her to live once I've taken over your filthy planet and claimed it as my own. I wonder, will she ever remember of her parents, the father who is a monster waiting to be caged and the Mudblood mother?"_

"_I was under the impression you respected me?"_ Hermione growled.

"_Only when you're not being foolish,_" he said.

Hermione seemed to glare further at him before blinking, "_So that's it. You want to get to me and Bruce. Turn him into that and let Natalie see him. Wait for me to be on my last breath and let her see me. Scar her so you can tell her we were fools protecting her planet and her. Make her hate us for being supposedly stupid. You won't touch her, for some reason you find a child's innocence refreshing, but you will damage her beyond non-parental help._"

They all seemed to look towards Bruce, who was breathing heavily and frowning harder than he would like to have known about.

"_Sorry, but I have better things to do than let you try to manipulate my husband and I," _Hermione told him before walking out, pausing at the door to turn to him and glare, "_Faster than a sneeze, Reindeer Games._" And with that, she walked out.

* * *

"So…you two are married?" Tony questioned the two as they continued to tap on computer keyboards.

"Mm-hm," Hermione hummed.

"Didn't want too many people to know about it, in the case I ever did get caged up," Bruce responded.

"And you have a daughter?" Steve asked.

Hermione nodded, pulling a wallet out of the back pocket of her jeans and folding it open to show him the little girl, "She's three. We left her with some friends at a very well-guarded school."

"You are a sorceress?" Thor asked.

Hermione smiled and replaced her wallet, "Yes. I'm a witch."

"What's a Mudblood?" Tony asked.

Hermione sighed and swept her hair back as Bruce gave a sympathetic smile. "Alright, you've got people who have been born from magical families, those are Purebloods. Muggles are normal people. So when a Pureblood marries a Muggle or a Muggleborn – someone who has normal parents but is magical - that's a Half-blood. I'm a Muggleborn, and an offense term to call someone who isn't a Pureblood is a 'Mudblood.'" She paused before glancing at Bruce, who shrugged and let her take a breath before taking off her jacket and scrunching up her long-sleeved shirt to the elbow on her left arm, showing them the scar. "This would be when I was tortured."

Steve, Tony and Thor gaped at her as she shrugged and replaced the sleeve.

"At _seventeen?_" Steve questioned.

She sighed and gave a sad smile, "Yeah. In a war at seventeen – Merlin, it seems impossible to think that I'd even make it to eighteen, or even where I am now, married and with a daughter."

"It seems impossible that I'd ever even get a girlfriend, let alone find someone to marry me and have kids with," Bruce grinned.

"Are you speaking of after your accident?" Thor asked.

Bruce blinked, "No, I meant from college. I was a _huge_ nerd then."

"Nerd?" Thor repeated in confusion.

"Then?" Hermione repeated teasingly. He frowned playfully at her and she grinned wider, the two going back to their work.

* * *

"What have I to fear?" Loki asked, rather haughtily, as Tony poured himself a drink.

"The Avengers," he said off-handedly before explaining, "It's what we call ourselves. 'Earth's Mightiest Heroes' type of thing."

"Yes, I've met them," he smirked.

Tony gave a grimace behind his glass, "Yeah, takes us a while to get any traction, I'll give you that one. But let's do a head count here: your brother the demi-god; a super soldier, a living legend who kind of lives up to the legend; a man with breath-taking anger management issues; a couple of master assassins; a badass witch, and _you_, big fella, you've managed to piss off every single one of them!"

"That was the plan," said Loki.

Tony hummed, "Not a great plan. When they come, and they _will_, they'll come for you."

"I have an army."

Tony set down his glass and looked at him, "We've got Hermione." He picked it up again and took a long drink before making a noise in the back of his throat, as if he'd just remembered something, "Ooh, and by the way – headshot."

Loki looked at him in confusion before a growl ripped through the air and he whirled around, coming face to face with Hermione's heel, growling when he righted himself and saw her smirking at him, his scepter in her hands.

"See, Reindeer Games, here's the thing," Tony said easily, moving around to Hermione's side, "She's a mother. She's a witch, she's a soldier, but most importantly – she's a mother. On Earth, we've got these creatures called bears. Now, with mother bears, if you come anywhere near their cubs, they will maul you. Tigers, panthers, lionesses – they all do the same. Think of all of those creatures formed into one package, shaken and then released on whoever touches their kid. That package is Hermione, and you've just shaken the shit out of it."

"So, basically – run," Hermione advised before growling again and coming back for a second swing.

* * *

"I lost Loki," Hermione announced to her husband and teammates over the intercom, running and jumping over rubble and dodging and blasting whatever aliens she could.

"_It's alright,_" Bruce said, "_You just need to stay safe. I'm on my way – this motorbike won't go any faster, and there's traffic on the wrong lane."_

"Motorbike?" Hermione echoed before grinning, "Bruce, are you going through a mid-life crisis during a real-life crisis?"

"_You can make fun of me later, Honey,_" he said. "_Focus._"

"I am focusing," Hermione said after ducking behind a piece of a former statue. "I can multi-task." She looked up and paled, gripping the arm of the statue as she gaped, "Bruce, Bruce, he's got her!"

"_What?"_ Bruce asked, panicky.

"He's got Natalie!" Hermione exclaimed, looking on in horror as the man and her daughter zoomed by on whatever the aliens were driving. She started running after them, "Guys, guys, please, get them! Get her!"

"_On it!" _ several voices exclaimed as she lost sight of them, looking on desperately before turning to the nearest alien and growling before hexing him to pieces.

* * *

"Are you hurt? Let me see," Bruce said, standing by his wife and holding her face in her hands, wincing at the cuts and scrapes, "Where's Natalie?"

"Presumably with Loki," she said as Steve, Clint, Natasha and Thor walked to them.

"We need a game plan," Natasha announced.

"Alright – Barton, can you get up on buildings, hit them high?"

"It'd be my pleasure, Captain," Clint smirked.

"Thor, try to talk sense into Loki, if not try to get their daughter," Steve advised before rephrasing, "Actually, try to get their daughter first and keep her safe."

Thor nodded as Clint turned to him, "Can you give me a lift?" He nodded again and grabbed his arm, hoisting him up in the air.

"Natasha, Hermione, you two and I will stay on the ground and get them here and try to get the civilians out," Steve said, making the two girls nod. He turned to Bruce, looking at him pleadingly, "Now would be a really good time to get mad."

He wavered, looking over at Hermione, "I don't…."

Hermione faltered as well before turning to Steve, "Natalie's never seen the Other Guy. We don't know how she would…."

He winced as well before Bruce perked up.

"I can shut down the portal," he offered.

"_I can give you a lift – heading over that way,_" Tony said, making Steve nod and Bruce lean over to peck Hermione quickly before Tony surprised him and grabbed his arm to hoist him up into the air.

* * *

"I haven't seen Natalie," Hermione said as she and Bruce walked to each other, stepping over aliens and rocks.

"I haven't seen Thor either," Bruce winced as he looked at his wife worriedly.

"Barton? You know where the girl is?" Steve asked as the archer made his way towards them.

Clint thought back, "Last I saw, Thor had her, but the last time I saw Thor, he didn't have her."

"What?" Hermione asked frantically, "Where is – "

"Mummy! Daddy!" a little voice said happily, making them whirl around and beam at the little girl with big brown eyes and curly black hair.

"Natalie!" they grinned, Hermione swooping down and picking her up, hugging her tightly as Bruce hugged them both.

"Honey, how did you get here?" Hermione asked as she brought her over to the others.

"He gave me Daddy's key-chain and dropped me off," she said sweetly, making them notice the familiar keys that Bruce used when he went away from home to go to different third-world countries.

"Who gave you my keys?" Bruce asked warily.

Natalie looked over her mother's shoulders and pointed, "Him."

They turned and gasped when they saw Tony, who had apparently fell from throwing the missile into the portal. They each ran to him, crouching down and looking worriedly at him as Steve took the face plate off of his helmet.

"Stark?" Natasha questioned.

"Tony?" Hermione asked worriedly.

There was a long silence before Steve sighed and shook his head. Everyone looked sadly at one another, except Natalie, who gasped when she dropped the keychain onto Tony's face, making him snort and open his eyes.

"What happened?" he asked rapidly, "Did we win? Why – why is there a keychain near my eye?"

"Keys please!" Natalie said, reaching for them, still in Hermione's arms as they all seemed to sigh and grin at him and the little girl.

He grinned and started to get up, taking off the helmet and handing it to her, handing the keys to Bruce, "Glad to see everyone else is okay."

"Glad to see you're okay, Stark," Natasha grinned, "You had us worried."

He grinned back, "I had _you_ worried? I had _me_ worried!"

"Hey, we've gotta go clean up one more thing," Steve remembered.

* * *

Loki coughed from where Thor had smashed him into the floor of Stark's living room, sitting up a little and looking up at the people. Hawkeye was kneeling, his arrow aimed straight between his eyes, Natasha, Thor and Stark standing to his left. Bruce and Hermione were standing to his right, Natalie still on her hip and still holding Tony's helmet.

"If it's all the same," Loki began meekly, "I'll have that drink now."

They all seemed to frown at him before Natalie reared back and chunked the helmet at his head, surprising everyone as he winced and thumped back to the ground.

"Bad Loki!" she frowned at him as Hermione and Bruce laughed and hugged her, Tony cracking up as Natasha and Clint bit their lips to keep their laughs in, Thor taking a moment to notice the little girl before giving out his booming laughs as well.

* * *

"You're delusional."

"You're insane."

"Yeah, whatever, Mary Poppins."

"That's gotten old."

"Like Merlin?"

"Merlin has been dead for ages. Do I need to give you a seminar, Stark?"

Bruce watched dully on as his wife and his co-worker bantered back and forth once again. Tony had asked him and Hermione to work for him at Stark Tower to help with ideas and inventions. They'd agreed, so long as they could bring Natalie and also live at their home. Bruce suddenly realized that, although they got along better, they still liked bantering with one another. Sometimes the other would get mad, and it wouldn't be a good ordeal.

"Guys," Bruce said, slumped against the desk, pen in his hand, "Focus. Not on witty remarks, but on the design. It's clunky, it's bulky, we can't make it – " Bruce cut himself off as a sheet of paper slipped halfway onto his desk before a little hand pushed it there further. He smiled and watched as Natalie bounded over to Tony's desk and set a paper there too, going back around to her mother and setting it on the table near her.

They looked curiously at the little girl as Pepper smiled and waited for her at the door of Tony's lab.

"Be happy, don't stress," she advised before hopping on the different tiles to head back to Pepper.

The adults chuckled and looked at their papers, smiling before shuffling to set them with the other drawings Natalie gave them on a daily basis to make them smile.

"What if we gave it a tear-drop shape?" Hermione asked once the papers were away.

"Alright," Tony nodded before checking his watch, "We have…three hours until it starts."

"Right – and who all is coming again?" Bruce asked, rubbing his eyes as Hermione quickly wrote a note on a paper and set it in view.

"Uhh – Captain, Clint, Thor, Natasha, Thor's friends Jane and Darcy, Selvig, and – Hermione?" Tony listed before turning to her.

"Uhm, Harry, George, Charlie, Bill, Luna, Neville, Seamus, Dean, Ginny," she said before grinning, "This is going to be a weird get-together, isn't it?"

Bruce grinned and pecked the side of her head, "Definitely."

* * *

**Uhm…I'm done? If I didn't stop now, I'd just keep going, and I don't have time for that.**

**Love,**

**Ava**


End file.
